the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
