Just cropdusted the office
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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