Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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