I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
