I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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