i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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