Banned from zoo.
Again?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
