i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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