i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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