i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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