Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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