Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
