We won't sleep together?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
