not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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