I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
