Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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