Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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