im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
