the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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