I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
