I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize