btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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