I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
