Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
