I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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