People in love make me want to vomit
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
