My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
