i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
