The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
