wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
