insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize