im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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