We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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