Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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