I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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