fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
