Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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