Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize