I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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