Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Come see our sink grown plant.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
