omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
