PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
