Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So here I am, sexting at work.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
