I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
