I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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