can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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