I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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