If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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