I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
