Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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