Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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