nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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