Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
