Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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