I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
